Life of the Sports Wife

Simplyfying the Game of Golf

2007-01-15T17:36:00.000-08:00

It's a big week in the house as my husband prepares for what will likely become an annual golf outing amongst his friends. On my end, I've tried to befriend golf, learn from it and appreciate it. In addition to playing a large role in my husband's life and social circle, I'm a curious person by nature - I've tried to get inside the game and inside the mindset. It's a been a very bizarre journey, to say the least.

After several years of study, here's my conclusion:

Golf is complicated. Beyond complicated.

It's a game of contradictions and needless complexity. Where else in life can you have something such as a great handicap? Where else do you improve your score by actually lowering it? Where else can you have tremendous etiquette (collared shirts, proper shoes, respectful noise levels) but then offer beers along the way and look the other way when men need to relieve themselves behind a tree?

As for the needless complexity, if you ask me (and believe me, no one has), there's a few simple ideas that could really help the game:

1. The Clubs. Let's be honest here - you need three clubs. A putter, a 7 iron and maybe a sand wedge. Irons, woods (which have no wood, by the way), graphite, titanium, hybrids - it's all nonsense. The object of the game is to make contact with that little white nuisance of a ball. Carry all the clubs you want; compare all the brands and styles. None of it will draw the ball closer to the club. In the end, you'll reach for the 7 iron and pray your putting helps your game. So, let's just call the bag of clubs what it is -marketing at its best and every golfer has fallen big time for this trap (pun intended).

As a side note, don't try to buy golf clubs for the loved one. It'd be easier to take a crash course in nuclear physics than figure out what type of clubs to buy. I went the gift certificate route this Christmas - big hit and far less stressful.

2. 18 Holes. I don't know who came up with 18 holes but they should have been institutionalized. 18 holes is forever and it is likely the real reason both the beer and beautiful scenery are required at every course. Somewhere along the way, someone got smart and allowed for nine hole courses (likely an angry wife). But as any golfer will tell you, nine is not enough. Listen, Goldilocks - 9 is fine but if we must up the ante, we definitely don't need to double it. 12 would be just right.

3. The greens. Come on, getting on the green is an accomplishment unto itself. Let's forget the putting. Think of the stress it would relieve and the time it would save. In fact, if putting were taken out of this game, we could in effect eliminate the need for idea #1 and #2 - you wouldn't need a putter and you could likely continue on with the absurdity of 18 holes and still make it home for dinner (avoiding spousal conflict)

In any event, my ideas will go about as far as my next golf shot so we may just have to accept the fact that this game is here to stay. In the meantime, Scottsdale, here they come - another group of 30-somethings, equipped with new shiny clubs, enough trash talk to last three days and, most importantly, the dream of owning bragging rights within their circle of friends.

After all, that's what golf is really about, isn't it?

The Top Ten Reasons Men Love Top Ten Lists

2007-01-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

I was just surfing along when, once again, I hit another top ten sports list. This time it sits on the MSN home page - Top Ten Burning Questions for the NFL Playoffs. In essence, it really doesn't matter where the list sits or what it represents and, don't worry, nothing is ever really burning in sports. That said, the article will get readership and it will get passed along and so, my burning question is this - what's the point of these top tens anyway?

They say women use at least three times as many words a day when compared to men, a statistic that's been completely confirmed in my household (my poor husband - it's a ratio of roughly 6,000 daily words to 2,000) - But, what does this have to do with Top Ten lists, you ask? A lot.

In short, Top Ten lists give reason for conversation, debate and confidence among our male counterparts. Poor souls...there's only some many things our friends can truly comment on over three, four or fourteen beers. Unlike women, who will ask the most intimate and detailed of questions amongst their girlfriends, men tend to stay at the sports surface. They'd prefer to argue over the best NFL receiver of all time (in my household, that's Jerry Rice), the greatest sports figure of all time (too easy - Muhammad Ali). Occasionally, they'll branch to entertainment top tens (far better and less heated, in my opinion). Come on - who hasn't heard the debate over the best sports movie of all time. ESPN liked that topic so much, ten just doesn't wasn't enough. In case you have a burning desire to learn more, here's the top 20 sports movies of all time - http://espn.go.com/page2/movies/s/top20/fulllist.html

One night , I thought a fight over the top ten clutch quarterbacks of all time was going to put an end to childhood friendships. Who knew Johnny Unitas could conjure up such emotion? Who cares? The fortunate part is as heated as men get about their top ten comparisons, they can let it go just as easily. Give it an hour or simply suggest another top ten and they are back at it with no hard feelings.

So next time you are in the center of a top ten debate at your local pub, here's my recommendation: Stand by your man's suggestions, keep drinking and definitely leave the words to the men - save those 6,000 words a day for your girlfriends :)

Boise State - putting just the right amount of "BS" in the BCS

2007-01-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

I'm huddled on the couch, settling in for yet another night of college football in what may be the longest, most drawn out BCS bowl season to date.

For those of you not in the know, the bowl championship series (BCS) was once a one-day, action packed day of college football. Today: it has managed to stretch itself over two weeks, leaving females everywhere exposed to nearly two weeks of mindless football, ridiculous office pools, countless debates on the integrity of the bowl championship system and the review of insanely stupid corporate sponsorship names (check out Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl presented by Bridgestone - http://www.musiccitybowl.com/ - do they really think that will help sales for either company? More on that at a later date).

ESPN, the drug of choice for any sports fanatic, dubs this week the "Best Week of the Year" - As a side note, someone needs to let ESPN know that most of us consider a week to be 7 days - by the end of the bowl season, we'll be at about day 14 of their "best week of the year." While you have them on the line, let them know that I still don't get ESPN Classic. If I know the outcome of the game from 20 years ago, remind me why we are watching it again as if it's live? Remind me to talk on that topic later, too.

But I digress. Back to the BCS. I've come prepared this season, armed with all the essentials required for quality football viewing over these weeks. In one hand, I hold the latest copies of In Touch and People magazine, prepared to keep me occupied through the slower parts of any game (although there are some rare exceptions, the slower parts generally include the entire first half of any sporting event).

In the other hand, I'm armed with my drink of choice for an evenings such as this - what else but hot chocolate? Given the absurd length of this season's BCS bowl events, I've had to reluctantly downgrade to no-calorie hot cocoa or this season will leave me with another inch on my waistline that I can't afford.

So it's the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl in Arizona - Oklahoma vs. Boise State. Not entirely new to college football (after all, I am a proud alum of two schools with fairly significant football programs), I'm knowledgeable enough to be dangerous and so, as the game kicks off, I drill my loving and patient husband on Boise State. Are they normally in bowl games? (no) Are they the ones with the blue field at their stadium? (yes). Do you think the whole state traveled to Arizona for this? (possibly). They are the underdogs right? (absolutely).

After my flurry of questions, my no calorie hot chocolate and my third US Weekly article on Britney Spears' propensity to leave her underwear at home, I fall fast asleep on the couch. I manage to make it to the bed with about 30 minutes left to go in the game (that's about 2 hours in football years, by the way). The office pool is looking up as Boise State has a considerable lead on Oklahoma and that's apparently what we were aiming for this evening. I kiss my loving and happy husband goodnight and crawl into bed.

I'm startled awake but instantly alert. You have to see this, my husband says. I rub my eyes, climb out of bed and I'm back out to the couch. This better be good. With excitement in his eyes, he rewinds the play (thanks to the DVR, we get to watch replays of replays - does it get better than this?). Before my eyes I see what is actually an interestingly and exciting play that ties the game. Apparently, somewhere between my final sip of hot cocoa and this moment, Oklahoma miraculously came back to take the lead and Boise State needed a big moment to tie it up. They succeeded.

I'm impressed, but not enough to keep me awake for overtime and so I saunter back to bed which isn't far given the size of our tiny NYC apartment. But minutes later, my hubby wakes me up again - You really, really need to see this, he says.

Call it love. Call it crazy, but I get up again. At this point, I'm also getting a soft spot for Boise State. Underdog. Small State. Blue grass at home. Who wouldn't like them?

Once again, the replay is replayed thanks to Mr.DVR and, again, I admit it is an impressive play. The play, I learn, is called a "Statue of Liberty" even though from what I can tell, the quarterback actually lowers his arm and puts it behind his back. Call me crazy (again), but I think Miss Liberty still raises her hand proudly, at least the last time I checked in with her. I'm tempted to ask but I'm too tired to bother.

In any event, another kiss good night and I pile back into bed. No sooner do I do that and my husband yells Oh, you have to see this!!!

At this point, I fight it. Love and insanity can only get you so far. The game is over. What possibly could warrant yet another trip from my warm bed? But, alas, he convinces me that this is right up my alley.

Back out to the living room. Mr. DVR is in overdrive again. But this time my husband is absolutely right - before my eyes, the game winning receiver kneels before his perfectly pretty girlfriend and asks for her hand in marriage.

Suddenly, I'm wide awake. Rewind that again, I say. And again. Thank goodness for Mr. DVR. I'll never mock it again! And, I'm back to my questions -

"What year are these kids" (sophomores!)

"Why on earth did the sportscaster have to blow it by saying 'and now you can propose to your girlfriend' before the kid even got down on one knee?"
(because sportscasters aren't good at this type of thing, except in movies)

"Do you think he planned this engagement or he is cauhght up in this win?" (not sure)

"Will he be in the NFL one day" (unclear at this time).

And for the first time in long time, I get it - the drama of the BCS, the thrill of victory and the value of staying up until one in the morning for a silly game. More importantly, of course, I love that my husband gets me. He's right - that was right up my alley. Thanks, Boise State.